What to Say to Your Addicted One
The following is a list of some of the understandings that you will develop from reading the book. They are accompanied by the kinds of things you can say to your addicted loved one on the basis of those understandings.
NOTE: These are only suggestions, use your judgment about what’s best in your circumstances What helps in one situation may not work in another.
You understand that… his or her personality has been permanently changed by the intoxication experience
You say… “ I can see your alcohol/drug/gambling has changed you; you behave as if reality doesn’t matter any more. I can see you don’t realise how much you have changed.”
You understand that… from his or her subjective point of view, it is totally natural to inject heroin, or drink large quantities of alcohol, or gamble away all the money. Intellectually she or he might see that this is not normal, or that it is addictive, but it is still experienced through the ‘sick’ self, as the natural thing to do
You say… “as far as I can tell, to you it is just natural to drink, drug , gamble, even if though you can see it doesn’t make sense. It’s clear that you don’t realise how it has taken you over”
You understand that… he or she can’t handle it, can’t leave it alone, but can choose to find and accept help
You say… “I can see that you can’t cut down, or leave it alone… if you could have you would have! Do you feel like it’s out of control?” Listen to the answer; remember there is no point arguing, but stick to the facts “If you weren’t out of control you wouldn’t be doing that sort of thing”
Refer as much as possible to the facts rather than to what you think
You say… “the fact you have done … (have your example ready) shows that you are out of control”
You understand that… he or she can recover
You say... “there are any number of people just like you who have recovered, so you can too; there’s nothing stopping you from starting treatment now.”
You understand that… your loved one is in the grip of a false self, that he or she is deluded into experiencing as real
You say… “I can see now that you have completely lost your true self; your natural self; you now have a false sense of who you are”
“I can now see that your addictive process is making you avoid doing what you know you can do”
“You don’t need to remain a victim of your addictive process, you can choose to get help and follow it through to recovery.”
You understand that… no matter how much your loved one might say or believe he or she wants to stop, if he or she keeps doing it, it shows he or she doesn’t want to stop
You say… “I can see that you really believe that you want to stop and recover. But you are not being honest with yourself. What you have been doing shows that you really want to go on drinking/drug taking/gambling”
Your loved one says… “I do care for you and I don’t want to hurt you”
You say… “I can see you believe you don’t want to hurt me, but you have just hocked my jewelry, urinated in the wardrobe, (have your examples ready) so it’s clear that you are sincerely deluded. In fact you have hurt me very much and your drinking/drug taking/gambling is more important to you than behaving decently toward me.”
You understand that… your loved one has a disease, a major mental and physical disorder, a psychiatric illness, a sickness of the personality
You say… “I realise that you can’t stop your drinking/drug taking/gambling but you can do something about your illness, (or disease or sickness or disorder or mental disorder.)
Ask whenever you need to: “when are you going to do something about your disease?” Remember you are not asking your loved one to just stop for good, he or she can’t, but to admit he or she has a disorder and to find help for it.
- It is useful to be able to say these things in a matter of fact kind of way, as though they are just obvious points that need to be made This is because your addicted one is used to responding to attitudes and emotion when what you say has a personal edge to it.
- When there is an interested or firm neutrality , he or she is much more likely to hear what you are saying. These are guidelines, not hard and fast rules!
- There are times when you will naturally be emotional, so this is a matter of balance and practice.
- Some of these points can be put in many different ways, so it can help to repeat them like a broken record until there is a coherent response.