Letting Go Of Self

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The following is an outline of the approach taken to bring about change. It will give you an idea of what is involved, and perhaps help you get started on a recovery process.

Seeing that you are a person, and bringing this to mind as in all sorts of ways, will start to produce changes in how you experience yourself.

But there are usually troublesome parts of the self that need to be worked on in a very direct way before there will be the kind of change that is needed.

The way to work on them is to let yourself really experience the way they are in you. To let yourself feel and experience the pervasiveness and influence different parts of self have in you. This means letting yourself 'stay with' your reactions and feelings, and becoming familiar with what is in your flow of self. You can practice noticing different reactions, and different parts of self that become active in you.

You can let yourself feel and notice the way what is in you as you, can change so completely from mood to mood; or, what was there as you, suddenly changes completely when some unsettling incident occurs. You are learning to live with your feelings and self rather than to ignore, suppress or fight them. This is part of a process of emotional honesty and acceptance.

Journaling is very useful. Start a private journal of what you notice and experience in yourself. Write it just for you so that you feel free to use your own words and say whatever you want to. You capture the feel of how it is in you and write it down, generally using "as if" phrases (see below).

• 'It's in me as if I'm not as good as everyone else'
• 'it's in me as if I don't' care what anyone else thinks about my behaviour'
• 'it's in me as if I deserve to go on drinking'
• 'it's in me as if I'm very against my partner' etc.,

You will be surprised at how much what is you in you changes from day to day or from mood to mood, and what an influence this has over you.

Once you have identified and experienced some or other self in you, you contrast it with your actual characteristics as a person.

So there is an ongoing process of experiencing and capturing the feel of what is in you as you, and contrasting this with what it is to be a person and with how you actually are as a person.

Often the first thing that happens is the sometimes-astounding realisation that what to you had always been so much you, is not what you are at all.

It is not that that self will suddenly disappear; it is more that gradually your mind will develop a perspective around that self so that less and less is that self experienced as real. In time that part of your self, will lose its influence in you and fade away. This requires interaction and sharing with others such as in a self help group, or help from a therapist.

Here are some of the stages in setting this process going

1.  Find and map out your problem area; have a careful look at the effect it has on the person you are, etc

• Make a list of troubles in that problem area: behaviours, reactions, tensions, undermining, procrastination, chronic unease, compulsive behaviours or thinking, etc. or perhaps there could be particular problems with a self in relation to some other; eg. a parent, a partner, a child, or an authority figure at work.

• List these into part of a person profile: This is important. Don't just leave it as "I have these problems", bring it out into: "here is a person with these problems".  If you leave it just as "I", it gives the mind no opportunity to break out of the perspective of self. For example:

  – Here is a person who has developed these difficulties: this is some of what goes on in this person

  – "Yes it's true I am a person who has a strong resentment against my husband / wife / partner."

  – "Here is a 30 year old man with these problems"

• Remind yourself that the things you are noticing are the version in you, of what other persons with similar difficulties or backgrounds experience also.

• Remind yourself there is a person experiencing these difficulties not a particular "thing" called "me".

2. Practice acknowledging and accepting that what you are finding out, is part of the person you are.

• It is very easy for one part of you to be against or impatient about what is another part of you. This prevents change happening.

• So practice staying with tensions and reactions, and letting what is in you unfold so that you can familiarise with it .

3. Non-reactive awareness.

• Let yourself become aware of, and identify, the feelings in the problem area you have identified.

• Practice just noticing and learning to put aside your tendency to react to your own feelings.

• Once people start to become more directly aware of their feelings in a less reactive way, they are often surprised to find what is actually going on in them.

• When someone has had a lot of suppression of feeling in them, just finding out what the feelings are can take quite some time and attention and practice.

• Talking and sharing with others who understand is an important part of the process, either through a self help group, a counsellor or therapist.

4. Accepting the feelings

• You can acknowledge that those feelings are part of how you are as a person.

• Using your person understandings, say (for example):

  – "yes I am a person who has a lot of aloneness or sadness or anger in me"

  – "here is a person who has a lot of distress in them deep down"

  – "yes I am a person who has a constant feeling of deserving some special comfort" etc.,

• Often acknowledging the feelings is straight forward; you hadn't realised that they were there or that they were so strong, but there they are. BUT...

• ... at times there can be a lot of resistance to acknowledging certain feelings; deep-seated fears, vulnerability, anger or hate.

• Then it is important to let yourself get familiar with the feelings, noticing what happens in you, talking about it with other people. AND, seek professional help if necessary. A self help process does not mean you try to do it all yourself!

5. "AS IF"

• Much of the unreality that is in you through self, is not there as feeling. It is just there as the accepted background to the way things are.

• So a very useful way to get in touch with what is in you, is to just look at how it is in you "as if...."

  – "It is in me as if I know a lot more than most people"

  – "it is in me as if my opinions automatically have more merit than other people's opinions"

  – "it is in me as if others will laugh at me if they see what I am really like"

  – "it is in me as if I'll never be really liked no matter how I am with people"

  – "it is in me as if any success I have is somehow a mistake'

  – "it is in me as if I'm always battling against something even when things are going OK"

6. Trace the feelings and the "as ifs.." through to the part of your self that they come from.

• This is important. To break the grip of a self, of a 'me', the mind must have a way of seeing that self is not real. So you must get a conscious experience of the part of the self you are working on.

• Remember to translate self into "what is in me as me"

• Remember even though it is image in a person, it is experienced by you as being you, as real.

• You will find that there is a great variety of false certainties around a self like this. It will require that you take a lot of notice of just how strong an influence this part of you has in you. You can do this by using the as if approach again

• "As if' or "seems" are very useful words because they let you accept the feel of how something is in you but, at the same time, carry the knowledge that even though it seems real it isn't.

7. Working on it.

• This means developing the understanding that what is in you as self, as you, is not the reality of what's really you, but is image in the person you are.

• Practice understanding you are a person.

8. Remember

• It is not being suggested that there is no self. Quite the opposite. There is self in all of us, and it is very important.

• Nor is it being suggested that we can do without self. Again, quite the opposite. The flow of self and our inner life is vitally and centrally important to being a person.

• What we are working on is understanding that self does not have the reality or permanency that it seems to have, and that it self can be changed.

• Once you have built up a set of person understandings. You can start to compare what you experience as you with the actuality of the person you are.

• With some parts of yourself, it will take quite a time for what is true of the person you are to seem even remotely true even though intellectually you can see clearly that it is true.

• So when getting in touch with important and troublesome parts of the self it is important to:

  a) catch hold of what is there according to the truth of the feel of it, and then:

  b) bring it through to the understanding that it is not reality but image in a person, 'self image' in the person you are, even though you experience it as real, as being what you are, it is not reality. So it is there as real, but is not reality.

• This needs to be practiced over and over again as often as it arises, and shared with others doing the same thing.

Accepting it into what is you

This is often necessary because one part of you can be very against another part of you.

• "I am very against my anxiety; which is a little me that is very vulnerable to rejection, very people pleasing".

• "I acknowledge that it is part of me, how I am but I don't want it to be, I want it to go away."

But it is in the person you are as part of your self; you need to let yourself experience it as it is in you;

• "it is part of what to me is me in me; in fact in me it is very much me, even though I don't want it to be"

Acknowledging and accepting that something is part of the person you are will let you manage how you are far more successfully. This is part of accepting how you are as person;

But there can be one part of you that can be very much against another part of you . This is "self against self', but of course, experienced as "me being against what's me".  Being against yourself prevents change happening

To help with this, practice the 12 step understandings:

• of handing over your will;

• of a 'power greater than self ' can look after me and bring about inner change;

• of taking time for inward reflection, and developing a sense of connection with something in you deeper than self;

• of accepting that this is the way things are currently set up

This allows the process of change to progress.

Experiencing a self

• Feel the feel of that self; after an incident where it has been very active; take some time after managing the situation as best you could; and let yourself feel the feel of it; the length, breadth and depth of it in you.

• Or a particular self may be very active, and you take time to let yourself get the feel of it; you notice how it has such an effect on your reactions and feelings and actions.

• Let yourself feel how much it is in you as being you; then you are able to contrast with the actuality of you as a person (if you don't experience and capture the feel of how it is in you, you have nothing to compare with the actuality).

• And you let yourself experience how it is as it is in you.

• "This self is in me as being me; even though I can see it is not what I am, it is in me as me; it is not there as something I have got, it is not a self I have got; it is in me as me; that is why it has got such a grip on the person I am."

• Remember, it will change through a natural process, or through 'power greater than self', but not because you want it to.

• You let it be you in you; it is not what you actually are, though it feels like it is; so in you, you can let it be you. Overall you remain a person who keeps his or her behaviour appropriate to the circumstances.

For deep parts of the self this can be a powerful, intense experience. Often there is a process over many months of learning to manage yourself differently, familiarising with and accepting that part of yourself, learning to tolerate and accept the emotion tied to it, and developing a willingness to let it go.

The notion of power greater than self can be result in periods of inner connection and calmness. And happens in stages and phases. This process must be guided by your conscious working of your self-help therapy program. I have had many people who are members of Alcoholics Anonymous; describe this kind of process to me. All have said how important the sharing and support of others in the fellowship was. It requires that you have others that you can talk with; if you have serious difficulties you will need suitable professional help.

For other difficulties, it may not be so intense and overwhelming, but can be very persistent and at times pervasive. For example, with some resentments, or some eating difficulties.

As you practice new ways of managing how you are, new ways of experiencing what is actually going on in you, new ways of cultivating inner change, you are starting to alter long established patterns of brain activity. It is an organic process not a logical one, and so takes patience and an awareness that you are tuning into the natural processes of change that are part of how we are as people.